Being an End of Life Doula is challenging and can be draining to say the least. However, above all of this, I have to say it is a profound experience. It is a complete honor to be able to hold a hand and be there to completely support another human being as they transition over to the other side. It is magical, it is surreal. I guess this viewpoint helps me feel blessed to be chosen to guide and navigate a person through this journey.

I lost my friend today. I’ve spent the last six month’s with her. I began my journey with her, two days a week. This past month I’ve spent four to five days with her. Cancer. I watched cancer swim through every part of her body like a poisonous fluid flowing upstream that took over her mind, just this past week.

And how do I feel today? Yes I’m tired. I cleaned out her room today carefully placing one object at a time in a box to be donated. I gently folded each article of clothing and placed them carefully inside of the boxes. I played soft music and remembered all our days together. It was spiritual for me.

I will tell you what brought the tears. Four and a half months ago, I accompanied her to the Oncologist. The dreaded appointment where she decided to stop all treatments and accept comfort from hospice. On our way back, I pulled in front of Trader Joe’s, asked her to wait and ran inside. I purchased the largest and most beautiful lavender and white orchid plant they had and gifted it to her on this horrific afternoon.

Over the last few weeks, mysteriously, I watched one little orchid fall to the floor. It was watered, had sun and love. Seven days ago, there were 3 orchids left. Suddenly two and this past Friday, just one. My friend began to start hallucinating, calling out for her Mommy. I knew she was nearing the end. When I arrived THIS morning, the last flower had fallen. I still have the chills.

Death is a worldwide leading fear yet doesn’t need to be feared. Don’t be afraid. When you are afraid, you miss so many opportunities between the two of you. Embrace this time with mindfulness and love. Think peace, calmness, celebration and warmth. Think serene, serenity, a time to embrace and connect.

Looking back, I think of 3 key essential elements to bring into your families world. I’m hoping at least one of these will bring more calm into one of the scariest times in your life. All 3 would be the goal, but anything you do will help along the way.

1. Acceptance

The end of life is inevitable. We are all going to be there one day. Acceptance isn’t possible with a sudden tragedy, but it is possible when we have a diagnosis of some kind. We may not know the final day but we will probably know the year or months that are ahead of us. In many cases, families are afraid to talk about it. Shhh… let’s not talk about it, it will make it real! Well it is real for all of you. When you keep quiet and brush it under the carpet, you’ll miss so much quality and loving time together.

You have the power to help the whole family grieve better. The things you do today, the visits, the events, the dinners, the stories… can all change the afterglow. You can be a great contributor in the way this unfolds. Have open and honest conversation. Be clear with your words and emotions.

When you love someone with all of your heart, there is such a beauty that can blossom during the end of life that may not have before now. Bring it out and nourish it. You both have this one time to do dying right, don’t miss this chance. Tip that scale now while you have the chance. Every day that passes by is a missed opportunity if you don’t take advantage of this time.

When I say acceptance, I mean for each family member AND for the one who is leaving us.

Acceptance is like a magic potion. When we resist and don’t accept any given situation, we can’t move forward. We can’t eliminate the undesirable outcome, so don’t resist, surrender and flow with it. Acceptance is the magic that makes change possible and things are changing now. It will bring a feeling of peace and growth in the moments when you need it the most.

Make peace and love a priority now, no matter what occured in the past. Don’t we all deserve that at the end of life? Take the lead and help your loved one go down the most enlightened and peace filled path that they can travel as they transition back home.

2. Help With a Creative Legacy

More than half of American adults don’t have a will and many more have never talked to their loved ones about what they want to happen when they die. But it’s not all about the details of what happens after, it’s the details in how to handle the beforehand.

When your loved one is still clear and able to have the conversation, ask the questions. Talk about ways you can help them to leave a creative legacy so that their grandchildren and great grandchildren will really get to know them. Offer to leave a few letters or cards. Write a few stories about their life with them. Record or video conversations helping them to leave a rich history for their future generations.

Help them leave special gifts for the ones they love. They don’t have to be expensive but can be valuable in the creative meaning behind it. It can be a letter written with a piece of costume jewelry sharing the story behind it, where it came from and the importance of wanting a particular person to have it.

As important as it is to talk about the flowers, music and ceremony they want at the end, it’s even more important to discuss the work that you can do before their life comes full circle. Have the memorial party a couple months earlier! At the traditional funeral, what do you think everyone will be talking about? “Thank God Aunt Mary had that party! We laughed, told stories, danced and partied like ROCK STARS! More importantly, we loved, shared and said our goodbyes.” Do you see what a love like this can do? Make some plans.

3. Implement a Plan of Comfort

With any illness, there will come a point where our bodies slowly shut down and we get closer to the end. The more you learn today, the more comfortable you can help them be later on. The more comfortable you all feel in your surroundings, whether at home or in a facility, the more peaceful and at ease you will feel.

Of course we all need physical comfort and hospice can absolutely assist with this. But there are several types of comfort. We need to be comforted practically, emotionally and spiritually as well. Learn about these so you feel less stress along the way. All of this will help ease everyone’s mind during the process.

Breathing issues, skin issues, digestive problems, swallowing, sensitivity, fatigue and more. Communicating and conversations will educate you in all of these so there is less fear and assurance that everything is happening exactly the way it should be.

During this time, people like to be massaged. Touch is more powerful than you know. Set the space. Honor their life. Soft lights, soft music, photos, flowers, magazines, books and more. Bring in a feeling of ambiance. No loud conversations or drama allowed. Keep it peaceful unless they are like my friend who wanted to hear the whole 1968 Rolling Stones live concert. Today you can pull anything up on YouTube. Anything! She wanted to go on an adventure through a rainforest too! It’s a good thing I could introduce her to Virtual Reality.

Have fluffy warm blankets and pillows. Move things, bring things in. Schedule visits with friends and family so it’s not so overwhelming for them. Allow them to make amends with family, settle unresolved issues as early on, as you can. Seek out a local priest, pastor or rabbi to stop in. Keep a bible and other spiritual books on hand. They may not want them now, but they might later on.

Sharing stories now is extremely comforting, even when they can no longer speak. They will hear you. Their mind may be wondering and getting ready to move through the tunnel but they are still in the room. Never talk about them as if they were not there. Always allow respect and dignity at all times.

So as my night is winding down, I know one more angel has entered eternity. And I hope and pray… no, I know, that I did make a difference in my friends life these past months. And I do believe that one day, if I don’t pass away in the most perfect way, IN MY SLEEP, that there will be somebody sitting next to me, holding my hand, listening to me, telling me stories and listening to the Rolling Stones with me. Or Ed Sheeran, or Rob Thomas… I have a list. Heck, I love harp music too, so any of the above.

Just be there with me to hold my hand and walk me through. See you on the other side.